Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the best christmas .. so far.

Yes, I do realize that today is the day after Christmas but I am still blessed and thankful.  Still feeling a bit of the holiday spirit, I might say.  Tired of hearing Christmas music but still feeling the spirit nonetheless.  Growing up, my family never really celebrated Christmas.  My family was also not of the Christian religion(s).  My dad tried to assimilate by buying my brothers, cousins & I Christmas gifts each year.  Yes, we were grateful but to be absolutely honest, Christmas to us meant presents.  Unfortunately, that's not really what Christmas is about.

A couple years ago, I started cooking Christmas Eve dinner.  & this year, I decided that I'm going to keep it up & we're going to make a tradition out it.  We had dinner Christmas Eve & just hung out all day Christmas.  It was a fabulous Christmas.  The best.  & I received a pretty darn good gift!

Evan learned how to roll over from his tummy to his back!  I'm so proud of my baby boy!  & let me tell you, he was proud of himself.  After he had rolled over, he just laid there and laughed :) :) :)

So last night, after he realized that he can save himself after he rolls over onto his tummy, he wouldn't go to sleep & just rolled around in his pack & play for an hour.  He would not go to sleep & just wanted to play.  So we played for a little bit.  It was great.  Ohh, the joys of parenthood.

This was the best Christmas ever.

So far ..

Sunday, December 16, 2012

letters to evan: #1

Dear Evan,

Happy 5 months, sweetheart!  And it's been an absolutely wonderful 5 months for your daddy and I.  We survived our first week at daycare and mommy's first week back at work.  It wasn't easy for me.  Monday dragged on for me and I just couldn't wait to get off work to see you and cuddle with you.  Each day afterward was a little better.  Not easy, but better.  But I think that we're going to be ok.  I know you're going to have to grow up sooner or later and leave me.  If not now, then a few years from now when you start school.  I might as well get used to it, huh?

Each day that passes that am able to hold you and kiss you is a day that I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  Despite the tragedies that happened on Friday, I am still optimistic that you will grow up in a world that is good and just.  We only want the best for you and you had better believe we will do whatever necessary to keep you safe.

Thank you for being my son.  Thank you for shedding light in my life.  You are the absolute best thing to have ever happened to me.  I love you, always & forever.

Love always,
Mommy ©

Monday, December 10, 2012

i survived!

I survived my first day back at work & away from my baby!  Let me tell you though, it was NOT an easy feat.  We got to his sitter's house bright & early at 7:30 this morning.  I unloaded his necessities and lingered for a bit to say goodbye to Evan and to tell him to be a good boy for Miss Olivia.  He was all smiles when I left.  I wanted to cry.

But I held it together.

Then I went to see him on my lunch.  Poor baby was cranky and tired because he didn't want to take a nap. I understand though.  New environment, mommy's not there.  So he was a little fussy when I got there.  He let out a little cry and I just felt my heart breaking a little bit.  I wanted to start crying with him.

But I held it together.

When I left him again, he seemed ok.  Tired, but ok.  I finished off the rest of my workday, which in comparison, hardly even registered in my head because all I could think about was my baby.  I came home and first thing I did was pick him up and cuddle.  He "told" me all about his day.  We played airplane.  I bounced him.  He laughed.

I missed him so much.  He survived our first day apart & I did too & through it all, I held it together.

Friday, December 7, 2012

separation anxiety

I'm experiencing some separation anxiety right now.  Irony is that we're not even .. separated.  Evan's in the next room right now taking his nap and he has no idea what Mommy is going through at the moment.  We have two full days before I have to go back to work on Monday.  I keep thinking about Monday and how much I'm going to miss my baby boy and how I'm going to wonder about how he's doing and if he's giving his babysitter a hard time and if he's taking his naps like he's supposed to and if he's getting enough attention from the babysitter and if he's crying.  I can go on and on but I think you get my point.

I have never been away from my baby for more than a few hours.

I think the most was three hours one time when I went to the dentist to get a deep clean.  I came home with a numb mouth to a crying baby because he was hungry and didn't want to take the bottle.

I felt so bad.

I'm probably going to visit him every day during my lunch to see if he's OK.  I have a feeling I'm going to miss him more than he's going to miss me.

We're spending the next two days snuggling.  I don't care what anyone says.

Monday, December 3, 2012

last week

One week from today, I go back to work & leave my baby boy in the care of someone else.  I am so sad about this but at the same time, so looking forward to getting back to having some adult conversations and some adult time.  I can't believe that it's already been 4 1/2 months since he was born.  The time I was able to spend at home has been priceless and I would never trade it for anything in the world.  Going back to work is going to be good for me.  It will make me a better mother by being able to better provide for him.  It's the mommy thing to do because he has already made me a better person.

Love my crazysillysquishy Evan monster ©